mousparreau (elysiarenee) wrote,

to survive

I survived the semester. what does it mean to survive? I certainly didn't flourish.
i entered the study year on the back of huge personal upheaval, important things like home and love and self belief were necessarily challenged in the process.

As already lamented, I feel perpetually overwhelmed and any time I'm not processing the many things I need to do it feels naughty like skipping a class.I'm sure this is only half actual and behavioral and half psycological -the way I am framing it in my mind- but i have started to grow this sneaking suspicion that this just is what being a 'grown up' is like. I still look at others and think that alrhough they obviously have their fair share of demons,their lives seem so much more streamlined, focused, simple. It almost makes you wish, as Conor Oberst did, for just one desire to make you never want another. Although a lot of these lives seem simpler due to a lack of passion to a degree, i don't envy anyone that but wouldn't it make for a nice holiday?

so I've got my hand on all of these things, the building blocks for my future, and I am not experiencing success with any of them.

I return again to the idea that I must make happy rituals and healthy habits, give myself a decent ammount of time to set them up, make them natural and right and from there i will have a structure from which to face suprise obstacles and embrace unexpected joys. It's always the part of the to do list that never gets gotten to. So unhealthy habits happen and happy rituals spring up on their own without being considered enough to make me feel grounded.

I feel like I have been complaining too much for years now, from the cages I painted myself into. Impatience for imagined futures has left me with a rushed, jumbled and largely unsatisfying present.

I have 5 weeks break from uni now so maybe after a recovery period of 1 week, i will spend 1 week catching up on the to do list, another setting up healthy happy habits and systems and the last two relaxing? dream the dream.

just so you know i still enjoy lot's of small things and big things:
*my 'new' boy bought me a vintage skirt from a trip home to Adelaide which I had looked at and loved when I visited a few weeks earlier...he managed to pick the same skirt without me telling him about it at all. amazing.
*Have i mentioned I have been exploring a variety of untried fruits and am now a huge fan of : mangosteen, tamarillos and persimmons. the whole experience has reminded me that life still holds a score of delightful surprises for me even in areas i thought I had exhausted.
*my best friend is back in the country, I haven't got to spend much time yet but knowing I will soon fills me with all sorts of happy squeeeeeeeeee feelings.
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