mousparreau (elysiarenee) wrote,

let it lead me trembling, trembling

I can say that I've lived here in honor and danger
But I'm just an animal and cannot explain a life
Down this chain of days I wished to stay among my people
Relation now means nothing, having chosen so defined

And if death should smell my breathing
As it pass beneath my window
Let it lead me trembling, trembling
I own every bell that tolls me

-Neko Case

Last night I watched Vicky Christina Barcelona which made me ponder love in a direction that I had not before. Christina's feeling about love, that so far she knew only what she did not want, was similar to my feelings about my 'career path' when I left high school. It's not like i had no idea what I wanted, I had a very clear idea about scores of things I did not want but my range of things I did want was still too broad to pin down. my plan of attack was to keep pursuing those things I was passionate about until a clearer calling emmerged from among them.

Love was something that I held equally high in importance to vocation but did not feel I could explore, plan or pursue in the same way I could occupations. Christina's perception of romantic life as a pursuit in which finding something 'different' and exciting, something she could not quite put her finger on but knew that if she found her life would have meaning, certainly made me step back and consider how creative, and in control one can be in their choices about love. In the end the film, I think, suggests that there are character traits that we cannot escape in ourselves that will shape our romantic life regardless of what we think we want from it. It also seemed to make a classic distinction between love and in love, within which I feel there is a huge range of feelings that get lumped under one or other category.

The development of my previous relationship felt like a creative exercise sometimes. Now I feel so far from that place where certainty in love affords one any sort of creative control that I am more than ever set upon the whims of the currents and have no idea where I am heading...

In other news, Australia got it's first female/red haired prime minister but not by voting for her, my mum is already tired of hearing about all that first woman stuff after less than a week 'get over it' she thinks. I learned that Iceland's prime minister is a woman who recently married her girlfriend which makes me feel like I live in a country so conservative that it's decades behind and want to go set up in Iceland in a house with a grass roof. I put about 10 books on hold at the library by some of my favourite contemporary thinkers -Vandana Shiva, Martha Nussbaum, Luce Irigaray and Elizabeth Grosz- hoping to cram in some non-textiles- related reading before the holidays pass me by. I came across a youtube video about female representation in films which offers a test: are there at least 2 female characters, do they have names, do they speak to each other and do they speak to each other about something other than a male? the results were similar to those when in high school my then best friend and I counted the female artists in our music collection and were shocked to find so few.

In micro local news I enlisted the help of my housemate, my partner and a beautiful classmate to do a photoshoot for the shop. Mel gave Hannah these big feather eyelashes that made her look like Twiggy if twiggy had with lot's of amazing hair. There are definitely a handful of great photos I can use to get the long overdue promo ball rolling. My menstrual cycle which had this year suddenly decided to go mainstream and be 28 days long seems to have reverted to the old school 36 days which makes me feel a bit more like myself and relaxed.

and I'm going to have to end with that overshare because i am procrastinating from stocktaking and the sooner i get it and the accounts done the sooner I can feel like I am really on holidays.
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