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let it lead me trembling, trembling [Jul. 1st, 2010|07:40 pm]
I can say that I've lived here in honor and danger
But I'm just an animal and cannot explain a life
Down this chain of days I wished to stay among my people
Relation now means nothing, having chosen so defined

And if death should smell my breathing
As it pass beneath my window
Let it lead me trembling, trembling
I own every bell that tolls me

-Neko Case

Last night I watched Vicky Christina Barcelona which made me ponder love in a direction that I had not before. Christina's feeling about love, that so far she knew only what she did not want, was similar to my feelings about my 'career path' when I left high school. It's not like i had no idea what I wanted, I had a very clear idea about scores of things I did not want but my range of things I did want was still too broad to pin down. my plan of attack was to keep pursuing those things I was passionate about until a clearer calling emmerged from among them.

Love was something that I held equally high in importance to vocation but did not feel I could explore, plan or pursue in the same way I could occupations. Christina's perception of romantic life as a pursuit in which finding something 'different' and exciting, something she could not quite put her finger on but knew that if she found her life would have meaning, certainly made me step back and consider how creative, and in control one can be in their choices about love. In the end the film, I think, suggests that there are character traits that we cannot escape in ourselves that will shape our romantic life regardless of what we think we want from it. It also seemed to make a classic distinction between love and in love, within which I feel there is a huge range of feelings that get lumped under one or other category.

The development of my previous relationship felt like a creative exercise sometimes. Now I feel so far from that place where certainty in love affords one any sort of creative control that I am more than ever set upon the whims of the currents and have no idea where I am heading...

In other news, Australia got it's first female/red haired prime minister but not by voting for her, my mum is already tired of hearing about all that first woman stuff after less than a week 'get over it' she thinks. I learned that Iceland's prime minister is a woman who recently married her girlfriend which makes me feel like I live in a country so conservative that it's decades behind and want to go set up in Iceland in a house with a grass roof. I put about 10 books on hold at the library by some of my favourite contemporary thinkers -Vandana Shiva, Martha Nussbaum, Luce Irigaray and Elizabeth Grosz- hoping to cram in some non-textiles- related reading before the holidays pass me by. I came across a youtube video about female representation in films which offers a test: are there at least 2 female characters, do they have names, do they speak to each other and do they speak to each other about something other than a male? the results were similar to those when in high school my then best friend and I counted the female artists in our music collection and were shocked to find so few.

In micro local news I enlisted the help of my housemate, my partner and a beautiful classmate to do a photoshoot for the shop. Mel gave Hannah these big feather eyelashes that made her look like Twiggy if twiggy had with lot's of amazing hair. There are definitely a handful of great photos I can use to get the long overdue promo ball rolling. My menstrual cycle which had this year suddenly decided to go mainstream and be 28 days long seems to have reverted to the old school 36 days which makes me feel a bit more like myself and relaxed.

and I'm going to have to end with that overshare because i am procrastinating from stocktaking and the sooner i get it and the accounts done the sooner I can feel like I am really on holidays.
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to survive [Jun. 12th, 2010|03:05 pm]
I survived the semester. what does it mean to survive? I certainly didn't flourish.
i entered the study year on the back of huge personal upheaval, important things like home and love and self belief were necessarily challenged in the process.

As already lamented, I feel perpetually overwhelmed and any time I'm not processing the many things I need to do it feels naughty like skipping a class.I'm sure this is only half actual and behavioral and half psycological -the way I am framing it in my mind- but i have started to grow this sneaking suspicion that this just is what being a 'grown up' is like. I still look at others and think that alrhough they obviously have their fair share of demons,their lives seem so much more streamlined, focused, simple. It almost makes you wish, as Conor Oberst did, for just one desire to make you never want another. Although a lot of these lives seem simpler due to a lack of passion to a degree, i don't envy anyone that but wouldn't it make for a nice holiday?

so I've got my hand on all of these things, the building blocks for my future, and I am not experiencing success with any of them.

I return again to the idea that I must make happy rituals and healthy habits, give myself a decent ammount of time to set them up, make them natural and right and from there i will have a structure from which to face suprise obstacles and embrace unexpected joys. It's always the part of the to do list that never gets gotten to. So unhealthy habits happen and happy rituals spring up on their own without being considered enough to make me feel grounded.

I feel like I have been complaining too much for years now, from the cages I painted myself into. Impatience for imagined futures has left me with a rushed, jumbled and largely unsatisfying present.

I have 5 weeks break from uni now so maybe after a recovery period of 1 week, i will spend 1 week catching up on the to do list, another setting up healthy happy habits and systems and the last two relaxing? dream the dream.

just so you know i still enjoy lot's of small things and big things:
*my 'new' boy bought me a vintage skirt from a trip home to Adelaide which I had looked at and loved when I visited a few weeks earlier...he managed to pick the same skirt without me telling him about it at all. amazing.
*Have i mentioned I have been exploring a variety of untried fruits and am now a huge fan of : mangosteen, tamarillos and persimmons. the whole experience has reminded me that life still holds a score of delightful surprises for me even in areas i thought I had exhausted.
*my best friend is back in the country, I haven't got to spend much time yet but knowing I will soon fills me with all sorts of happy squeeeeeeeeee feelings.
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unposted unfinished entry from earlier in the year [Jun. 12th, 2010|02:27 pm]
I had sewn all the seeds for fruit, across hours of these many years, in the woods and the fields alike. And not just out there but in my body, in the dropstitch patterns of my thoughts, in my nesting heart.

Now it is a changed land. Change happened within and outside me. I still feel as though it was something that happened to me even though it was mine to deliver the final blow. The dearly held, imaginary future blown up, blown open.

This week I saw an exhibition as the Heide museum of art about the folks who started it. It was a self sufficient life in a time of great depression rationing. They grew food and fed art with it and thoughts. Sunday Reed, the lady of the house had a decade long public affair with Sidney Nolan before he asked her to leave the place and her husband and be with him alone. She opted to stay. The story resonated strongly with me both because the lifestyle so closely resembles that which I was dreaming of building with my now ex; and because she stayed. The home, the calling, the everyday meant more to her than the most consuming love. And I'm sure she still loved her husband too.

Most of the things I've sacrificed are the imaginary ones the ones that hadn't happened yet. the unborn.

so now there is a field before me where before I'd built a treehouse. I am feeling out the paths and seeing what new seeds have sprung up. I'm still building now and working now and loving now I just can't visualize the future the way I could so recently: so clearly.

I have reduced my life goals to two sentences but they are very long sentences for which i needed to draw mind maps.
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all I ever wanted [Feb. 9th, 2010|05:39 pm]
you have a home
you should guard it with knives and bared teeth

when you have a love and ally
you should take on the world to guard your precious us

this tower that you built on a litany of whispers
this life that you wove never meaning for it to be undone

it pulls apart like scar tissue


A customer wants something for the mrs
and in an instant
I realise I am underqualified for retail
well we have these and these
what sort of things does she like?
we also do gift vouchers

have you been here your whole life
do you like it
kids? husband?

well have a good day
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learned or relearned [Jan. 2nd, 2010|03:28 pm]
lessons from 2009 to take into 2010

10) You can count on Joss Whedon to make great tv...eventually and usually once it's too late to save it from cancellation. Dollhouse started horribly but with conceptual potential and is ending leagues ahead of anything it's peers could hope to be. Too late though. Bring on the new media revolution.

9) It's hard work turning what you want into what you really, really want and need. Starting my own business this year has actually made me more rather than less dependent on my Mother's financial support. It has also made me work harder for less benefit and have limited freedom. I still think you get out what you put in and we need to put more in this year. Furthermore, it has already - and will continue to - pay off in non-financial ways.

8) There's not enough time for everything and as I always suspected sacrificing free time and relaxation simply does not work. I have finally figured out quite specifically what I want to do with my life and it's causing me to overcommit myself like never before! In 2010 I will pull back so that I can be my best.

7) Doing the same thing rarely leads to different results whereas grabbing new opportunities provides even more opportunities.

6) Soulmates return to your life and, by their very nature, never left your soul. The returning has happened to me enough now that I am beginning to count on it, which is a nice thing to be able to trust the universe about. I am also very adept as dealing with separation from them by geography and time; keeping them always in my heart and thoughts. I wouldn't be surprised if there are new ones to come either.

5) It's incredibly complicated to attempt to be an ethical business in an amoral industry/world

4) Be immediately upfront about problems to avoid bad blood no point being overnice and ignoring misgivings when it will make it more difficult for everyone in the long term.

3) Love is a monster that makes monsters of the best of us this is another I already knew but relearned this year from a new perspective. I am exceptionally forgiving to those under the influence of love. It's hard to pull the dagger out when you think you'll bleed to death if you do.

2) There is hope for the future and I'm going to be part of the change.

1) Everything is always moving and that is exactly the way it should be. I learn this over and over, to the point that it's tattoo worthy member or my core beliefs. I'm not sure though, if tattoo is the right medium to express this concept.
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indigestable [Nov. 28th, 2009|02:03 pm]
I dreamed that my teeth fell apart and out

I woke up to regurgitated rat parts
on soft furnishings
and couldn't think or anything to eat for breakfast
that was different enough to stomach

I settled on berries
then passed a mulberry tree
longed for being inside mine at Medindie
the fancy home my father suffered inside

How I hugged the tree Lisbon style
and then kept its sawdust
in a tacky pewter tooth keeper

the cats eyes flood black when they kill
you forgive them because they are familiars
and the rat was not
because it is natural for them
though for you it's not

Then you clean up the mess of their error:
that they don't even know anymore
what will make them sick to eat

Mulberries are specific to silkworms
I don't know if other leaves starve or poison
or produce an inferior expression of thread
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Eating mail [Nov. 9th, 2009|12:15 am]
Summer melts and alters the feeling of everything.
One night of fan and it feels like the country has flipped over and become that other place. Different memories click into relevance.

Social intelligence is knowing the right times to say certain things the best ways to say them. When you know the rules you can break them with finesse. Sometimes I think I have it because I'm cringing at someone else but usually I can't keep up. Often my impulses take over, impulses and accidents. My unconscious is never satisfied to let something written go undelivered, something thought passionately go unsaid. This get's me in a bushel of trouble sometimes.

mail snails
I let the snails eat my mail. I'm obsessed with the paper that results. I want to make art from them but they are already.
snail mail

I am trying to befriend my body so it becomes like my cat's: strong, flexible and balanced. I want to climb trees and jungle gyms with gleeful aptitude. Want to be able to do a thing? Do it over and over, pushing your boundaries out. That's how you make your own body, this being moving thing, by moving and being aspirationally. The same for the mind I suppose but that's not getting sorted out yet.
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Older unposted entry [Oct. 20th, 2009|12:14 am]
This morning...
Man is gold robe at the door of my store: "Are you busy?"
Me sweeping the floor: "uh no"
"God loves you. Are you pregnant?"
"Not yet. Do you have children?"
"Not yet. Are you married?"
"Not yet."
At which point I turned around hoping he had gone and he had.

I don't really have anything else to say about that.

The other night one of the boy's friends decided the world doesn't deserve to exist because people don't enjoy their jobs. 85% of people apparently. He came to this conclusion because he didn't get a job he felt perfectly suited to. Ah melodramatic responses to personal let down.

It did however get me thinking about work life balance. Something I previously enforced upon myself and now utterly lack. I think that overall society would be much improved by job sharing and everyone being able to live off of part time work. People would no longer use there free time to kill brain cells and try to recover from their working week exhaustion but would begin to use it to pursue area or genuine interest. The more self aware and engaged people become as individuals the better society becomes.

It is nobody's responsibility but my own to design my life for my fulfillment and maintain my own well-being. The more well adjusted I am the better I am able to innovate, analyse and serve the wider world. I cannot fall into the trap of claiming to be "much put upon" by the world because it is my own choices that have made my world. This idea drives most of my choices and interactions.

I feel like this stage in my life is about building a foundation for my life. To achieve balance of security and freedom. There's a great deal involved in this for me. Place, materials, relationships, community, health, habits and self esteem. There's also the insecurity that I wont have achieved it in time to experience the next part: being utterly open to what comes and saving the rest of the damned world of course.
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Forgetting how hope works [Sep. 21st, 2009|09:36 pm]
Today a former secretary of my father told me that I look like him.
I said "thanks" and "without the lipstick right"
She said "he was known to do some funny things"
I wanted to ask her more. She probably remembers more than I.

She used to type up the stories I wrote,
back when I wrote stories.
They would be printed on paper
with holes down both sides
that you could tear
along perforation
into strips.

Here I am still painting myself cages
that I try to run away from
barefeet to cobblestone
in the back alleys
picking blossom
as an alibi.

Last night I made love too good to last. Some couples seem so sure of each other, so entwined, that it's as if on some level they are making love constantly, even when they're in a different room or house or land. As if the lovemaking, before and after feeling, melts into everyday life, like a mist around their skins, keeping them serene and alive. Connecting them atomically and thoroughly. For me there's more desperation and defeat in the times in between. I have no peace that one of us will, at some point, die, so I'm not at peace in our lives. I saw my parents still in love when they were torn from each other. It haunts.

today I want to take a mental health day from life. The eternal domestic monsters of cashflow and housework. I'm clucky beyond logic or sanity. I am wrestling with deadlines without whatever the positive equivalent is: things to look forward to? I can't even think what they're called. All around me is mess. My close friends are all reduced to plastic coated cables, so far they are. Those nearby, his friends, our faux family, I can't even stand to be near. Not the way I am, the way things are.

I miss those who knew me when my dad was alive, or when I was still a virgin, or when I still felt there was enough time to do and have what I want. Old friends. Heck I'd even take a 'for shiz' lunch date with past injurers. People who thought of me as happy and kept me so.

So, I'm watching dirty dancing. my top tucked into my pants. scavenging for fruit. forgetting how hope works.
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Design as a ritual for wellness [Sep. 5th, 2009|01:50 pm]
The self esteem that arises from coming up with elegant, simple, good solutions.
The act of giving in designs that bring joy, wellness, engagement and connection; and especially in those that endure beyond trends or meet the needs of many.
The humble meditation of making;the noble skill of craftmanship.
The powerful metaphor of the process from inspriration, refinement and creation to product life and after life.
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